And SO MANY WALLS TO COME DOWN.
And SO MANY WEAKNESSES TO BE STRENGTHENED.
It's all so very, very humbling.
But I guess you could say I'm a weirdo and kind of embrace pain and fire and pressure because I know that awesomeness is always, always, always on the other side. As long as you embrace it. And I so appreciate the Teacher teaching me.
So - that being said, the most recent revelation He has shown us looks like this:
One day 2 weeks ago, I lost it. Long story short, I had committed to too many things, tried to be all things for all people, wanted to do something fun/for myself to feel like a real person, etc. Ok - I'll just tell you. My husband's boss (the Apostle/main minister at our church) asked if Kevin and I could meet he and his wife to go golfing the next day.
I'd never been golfing, I've heard it was the cats meow, I'd get to see my husband, and any opportunity I get to be around older, wiser, and spiritual people and get to TALK without being interrupted, I get excited! It felt like a really rare, really exciting opportunity that I would be crazy to pass up.
I had used Kevin's mom for babysitting WAY too many times that week, it just happened that way, but here I was...calling and asking her again. I was behind on lots of housework. The night before was a late night so the girls and I were pretty tired. The girls were lolly-gagging around all morning, making messes and taking their sweet time to obey. I'd get one thing done, and I'd get interrupted by them. The dishes were piling up, they were needing me, I was watching the clock because I had to have them over on the other side of the next town over by a certain time and had to make it all away across Northwest Arkansas to make it for precious tee time. Oh yeah, and at some point I should probably make myself half-way presentable.
And then I lost it. I snapped at the girls, I was mean and short and impatient. I'm sure I yelled, I'm sure I used some nasty, mean tone-of-voice and I just...I lost it.
I buckled them in their car seats and slammed the car door.
I got in the car and my blood was boiling. BOILING.
Guilt and sadness and anger rushed over me all at the same time.
I went and golfed.
It's really not that cool at all.
The boys are pretty serious about golf so there was like...no talking.
It was perfect that it worked out like that, too. I needed to be miserable enough to learn something.
In the parking lot after golf Kevin and I sat in the car
"are you okay?" he said. He's smart and can tell when his other half is losing her mind.
I unleashed a circle of strong emotions that was going nowhere and making no sense at all. I finally said "I just need 15 mins to myself so I can pray and hear Yahweh give me some direction!"
So he took my car and picked up the girls. I took his car and I prayed.
Immediately, Yahweh said "Jessica, you are focused on all the wrong things" and He gave me a vision of Ruby and Nora looking up at me, and they were in focus, and everything around them was blurry.
A vision of what my focus should be on.
While I've been making sure we stay fit, we eat flawlessly healthy, we arrive to church early and stay late, I make all my clients happy and keep my in-home business a professional environment, making sure we keep the house tidy and neat, I get the girls outside enough, I make sure I get my "me" time, etc. I've lost sight of what REALLY matters - them!
I only have a few short years of them being so small and needing me so much. And HOW SAD that I've seen them as a needy little burden that's kinda in the way of me doing my "thang".
The sadness and guilt and filth that I felt when I acted like a monster to the girls was my heart's way of setting off an alarm *something's not right! this is not really how you feel. something's out of order. all you've ever wanted to do is be a mother and you actually adore these girls. don't treat them like this!*
If my kids are "getting on my nerves" I now realize that is ENTIRELY MY FAULT.
That morning I was so mean to them was not their fault! They didn't know I put pressure on myself to show up for some golf thing with the boss! All they saw was Mommy...being so mean. But why?
Am I distracted and trying to do my own thing - and how dare they interrupt me?
They want 5 minutes of my time while I clean out my closet? Great! How fun! Mommy loves you, I'd love to spend 5 minutes with you! (and really, that's usually about how long our kiddos want our undivided attention, then they're off playing by themselves or siblings and we can scoot back to work)
Instead of "I've GOT to get this closet cleaned. It will make me a more peaceful mom to have this done and checked off, and then I can play with them."
So it all led to this revelation that Kevin and I are BOTH dealing with in our own respective areas, and that's perfectionism, control, false-identity. Trying to be too many things that we aren't graced for.
Yahweh telling me "your focus is completely off" is another way of saying "I haven't graced you for everything you're trying to do. You're trying to do too much, and without my grace. How's that goin' for ya?"
I have, however, been abundantly graced for motherhood.
When Kevin and the girls pulled into the driveway, with a soft heart I ran to the car to love on my awesome family. So thankful that the blinders had been removed and I can see them for what they really are.
That night, instead of cooking ANOTHER perfectly Paleo meal at home and making a mess with dishes and everything like we do every single day so that we can live this perfect standard of health, we decided to let our hair down and we went to the square as a family and ate burgers and fries. Bun-free, of course:)
Life is too short to stress about the small stuff.
What is life really about? Are we really living?
I encourage you today to step back and evaluate what your focus is on.
Are you living in what you've been graced for, or are you killing yourself to be something you're not?
You must only evaluate with humility and in the presence of the Almighty.
If you don't have Christ living and dwelling in you, then it's simple - you can!
All you have to do is believe in your heart that He is who He says He is. He IS Yahweh God Almighty. Then confess with your mouth. That means say out loud "God, I need you. I want you in my life. I understand that you sent Jesus as the ultimate sacrifice so that I can be forgiven of everything and so that I can know you. I want answers to life's questions. I want to serve and worship something bigger than myself. I want you in my heart. I welcome you to come in and do your work. I am yours now, and You are mine."
You are now a son of Christ! If you believe it by faith!
The next step is to be filled with the Holy Spirit, which is what changed mine and Kevin's life forever. We pray in tongues EVERY SINGLE DAY. Every time I say "I prayed" I'm talking about tongues. Me just saying in English all my problems to Yahweh very rarely gets me anywhere. But tongues is a gift He gave those who believe in Him so that they can communicate with Him through your spirit not your mind. It's amazing.
So all you have to do if you want the gift of tongues (which He made available to EVERYONE!) is start worshiping Him. In English, just tell Him how much you love Him and thank Him for setting you free and welcome in His Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is the Power To Change Things. And as you continue to worship, you will get so filled up with His presence, it will flood out of you, roll across your vocal chords, and you'll just starting speaking in a different language. A language you've never heard or said before and you'll experience God like you've never experienced Him before.
It takes humility, it takes persistence, it takes doing it everyday, all the time.
But I'm telling you, it will change your life.
Suddenly, you have a direct line to the voice of the Holy Spirit.
You have the Helper going with you and helping you everyday, all day. Teaching you, speaking to you, whispering things you've never heard until now. Because now you've awakened your spirit.
You won't have to read about Him in other people's lives only - He'll be doing amazing things in YOUR life.
I had no intention of writing any of that, but it just flooded out!
I want everyone to get to live this life.
If you did this today, or if you have any questions, please contact me
jessicaikiehn (at) gmail (dot) com