Today has been so peaceful.
When I got to church this morning and tried to sing for the sound check, exhaustion hit me hard and I asked Kevin if he minded if I just sat out this morning. He said of course that was fine, and to just rest.
Immediately, I knew that this Sunday morning, I was going to get to be on the receiving end of ministry instead of the giving.
I just sat there, and was able to hear my Heavenly Father speak to me while the music was playing and I was surrounded by people engaging in worship.
And it was so, so sweet.
Yahweh said to me
"Jessica, you can't perform for me. You can't get me to love you any more than I already do"
And I started crying. Because I was feeling guilty for not being on stage singing and helping out and being a leader.
Because I spend so much time trying to do everything right.
I am so quick to judge anything or anyone that is out of order, especially myself.
But He said to me
"Let Me change you, in due time, the right way. Nothing you can do within yourself is going to last or impress me. I don't want performance. I want you and a tender heart"
Then, as if she was eavesdropping on mine and the Father's conversation, my amazing mother-in-law came up to me and encouraged me word for word what I was hearing this morning. She said it took her years and years to learn this lesson but she finally has (and is.) That we cannot do it all. We can't be perfect for anybody or anything. We can't worry that if we don't do this this and this that we are letting people down. Letting God down. We just have to do our best and trust that the Father is doing a work in us, as long as we are humble enough to listen and let Him.
I'm not even sure what all of this is going to look like, but I know there's been a change in me.
A releasing and a freedom to not earn Yahweh's love and approval but to just accept it in it's perfect entirety. Even though I did absolutely nothing to deserve it.
That's just the way a true Father operates.
So simple, but for me...so huge.